I Apologize!

Have you ever been at a place in your life when simply felt you were owed the apology? Been in that relationship with the person who did you wrong, heartbroken? The only way you see the feeling passing is to hear those words, “I’m sorry.” It’s the hope that when you hear them it will make the heartbreak worth it. It will ease the pain you have carried? It will mean the offender would have changed behavior in turn causing you to remove the weight of your disdain and pure hatred you have for them. Yes I said hatred cause sometimes it really be like that?

What happens when you get the long awaited apology? What happens to you? Does it change the way you see the person? Does it lift the load you have been carrying? Do you feel like they say in church, that you could finally lay your burdens down? I have had a few instances in my life when I just wanted to hear those words.. “I’m sorry.” I waited with an anxious, expected, disappoint heart when the words weren’t uttered. Life kept passing by tapping me on the shoulder asking… “Are you ready to move on and live even if you don’t get the apology.” “Are you ready to stop living chained to the hopes of that apology.”

As a Taurus (very stubborn) a Miller girl (my family roots) to being a married JeeJee with a new last name I have always lived in the place of no one will force me to change or do anything I don’t want to do. Even if it is God and life beckoning for my change. While my stubbornness can look and feel unshakable both God and life have a way of getting their paws on you.

I got the apology call that I wasn’t expecting although in an interesting God kind of way I was prepared. Time has a way of changing you without even knowing it, responses aren’t the same, heals things within so your approach changes. While I sat listening to the apology I would like to say that I felt a release. I would like to say that it changed how I initially felt. I would like to say that it mended something within me. If I were to say those things then I would be lying to both you and myself.

While it didn’t do any of those things it set me does an amazing thing of settling your heart and mind to not

The came when I got the apology.…smooth outta nowhere. Well I can’t say it was outta nowhere there was a bit of preparation for it by way some internal thoughts surrounding the possibility of seeing the person. In a lighthearted type of way I set begin to prepare my heart if that became a reality. It never happened in person but the interaction came a few days later.

Listening to the words of the very person who I felt crushed me by, who I felt broke me, disappointed me, shattered the potential of memories I could possibly carry with me, the person who didn’t understand my pain, frustrated and heartbroken I listened. More in shock I sat shaking as I listened to these words. All the words I wanted to hear yet there was nothing I could say other than, “thank you.”

The conversation left me in a puddle of emotions. Not knowing how to feel. Guilty that I was unable to say, “I forgive you.” Yet realizing I would be doing myself a disservice if I had because that wouldn’t be my truth. The apology dug into a place I have tried to bury for a few years now.

Here’s the real truth about it all. I wish that I could tell you how to navigate you and your emotions after you get the apology? I wish I could tell you that I am better because I got the apology. I wish I could tell you that I don’t feel some type of way in getting the apology. The bottom line is getting the apology doesn’t “unshoot” the gun…the block has been shot up, you don’t get the bullets back, it’s done.

I don’t know how to feel. I am wading through my thoughts of it all. Am I willing to forgive completely? If I forgive then what? Yes I know the typically response is forgive so you can release what’s coming to you. Yep, got it. The act of letting go is necessary and happens one moment at a time.

What I’ve come up with so far is I don’t have the analyze within me to try to figure out if it was sincere or genuine. Not attempting to understand how the individual got to this point, that’s not my business.

The apology is good. The apology was desired. What I do afterwards is completely up to me. Do I live in that place or do I accept move on and live my best life?

Both time and my desire to live beyond this will decide

Until Next Time,

Girl Be You!